For Anna
by kalinda001
Summary: After season 3 episode 'Rumours of Death', Avon has trouble dealing with what happened with Anna.


_I was a fool_, thought Avon.

Avon was sitting alone in his cabin. He had been doing that a lot lately. Ever since he killed Anna.

For days he had been trying to reconcile what had happened but it always ended up in the same thought.

_I was a fool._

"Avon." It was Vila's voice on the other side of the locked door.

_Another fool, _thought Avon.

"Leave me alone, Vila. I do not want any food or drink or any kind of diversion." _And especially not any sympathy. _

Avon heard scratching sounds at the door. "If you break the lock on my door, I will make you regret it," he threatened.

Vila was being nice to him. Even Tarrant had avoided provoking him. Dayna had tried to occupy his attention with a new weapon she was developing. But the worse was Cally. It had gotten so bad that he had started shutting himself off in his cabin when he wasn't needed on the flight deck.

There were no more sounds from the door.

Avon got up from the chair and started pacing restlessly.

_Why can I not let this go?_

In his mind, he had played the scene in the cellar over and over again.

_We were well matched__, Avon_. She had said that to him as she lay dying in his arms. He could almost feel her in his arms again.

_Yo__u lied to me from the beginning, _thought Avon. _I was never any match for your level of deception._

_So is the reason you cannot let go__, because of me? Or because you cannot forgive yourself for being a fool? _Anna's voice asked him.

Avon shook his head. He was a man without a conscience. He refused to have one which sounded like Anna. _I must be going mad._

Anna's voice spoke againin his head_. You cannot get rid of me so easily, Avon. You are the one who cannot let me go. Remember?_

Avon lay down on his bunk. He was tired. He had not had a decent night's sleep since Anna's death. If the rebel Hob had not distracted Servalan, he would be dead right now. And he would not have to deal with this.

Avon's mind went back to the cellar. He was holding her dying body in his arms again.

_"I knew when you found out, you would kill me__," said Anna._

_"Unless you killed me first," he had replied._

_"We were well matched, Avon." _

_"You weren't even real. Bartolomew, Central Security's best agent, one of your colleagues told me that," he had accused her. _

_"__Anna Grant. I was only ever Anna Grant with you."_

_"__Of all the things I have known myself to be, I never recognized the fool," he said bitterly._

_"__'Twasn't all lies. I let you go ... my love." He felt her body go limp._

_He kissed her temple. "__ Oh, no, you never let me go. You never did."_

_He set her lifeless body on the ground, removed his teleport bracelet and dropped it on the floor._

The memory faded. In an uncharacteristic display of emotion, Avon slammed his fist against the wall.

He realized that he still loved her and at the same time he hated her. And he was angry with himself.

_I knew when you found out, you would kill me, _Anna's voice reminded him. _You must know that it had to be that way. That's why I had to kill you first. But you were faster. I didn't expect that._

Avon laughed. _A lifetime of experience. Of killing people. I am a different man than when you knew me._

Anna's voice continued talking to him, _I was only ever Anna Grant with you, you have to believe that._

Avon thought_, Did you really think that would make anything better? It doesn't make me any less a fool._

_Is that what's really bothering you__, my love?_

Avon sighed. _I am not sorry that I killed you._

Anna said,_ I know. Neither of us had a choice._

_I miss you. I always will, _he told her.

_I know __that too, my love._

_I'm sorry that I couldn't provid__e the life that I promised you._

_It was a wonderful dream. I let myself believe it for awhile. Because of you._

_It was a lie. You were a lie._

_Anna sighed._

_I want you to let me go, Avon._

_I can't._

_You can't continue like this, my love. Your crew needs you._

_I wish…_

_I know._

_I wish it could have been different._

_Regret is a part of being alive, my love. But keep it a small part. For me._

_For you…_


End file.
